The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
