shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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