my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
