It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
