My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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