she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
