when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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