I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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