Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
