it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
