We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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