People with herpes should wear stickers.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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