seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
