So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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