I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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