What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
