Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
