so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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