I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
