Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
