You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
