Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
