is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
