Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
