our cab driver is having phone sex.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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