I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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