The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
