just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
