I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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