Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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