it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
