just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
high people should be assigned attendants
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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