I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
