Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
