it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I touched a dick in church today
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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