I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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