I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
