Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
