Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
