he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
