there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
