She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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