my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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