New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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