Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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