I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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