Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
