Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
