also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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