the new term for farting is butt boxing.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
